Ridiculous Cinema

25
Friday

The 50 Most Ridiculous Moments in Cinematic History
By Michelle Collins
JOHNNY M 1123.jpg…All taken from the same movie. The movie known as Johnny Mnemonic.

On a hunch, I rented this 1995 film starring Keanu Reeves, the inimitable Ice-T, some random woman who was never in anything else, Henry Rollins, and, most importantly, star of He-Man Dolph Lundgren. But it wasn’t the stellar cast that drew me into renting this film. Rather, the thrilling plot. Johnny M is a guy with an internal memory of, wait for it, 80 whole gigabytes, who somehow uploads something insane, like 300 gigs of data, into his brain. And — you guessed it — the added memory could make his brain explode. Anywho, the Yakuza wants what’s in his head, and they hire a goon — Dolph Lundren — to find our beloved Johnny, kill him, and steal his brain. But if only Johnny had the password to download the memory himself! That’s where Ice-T comes in. He’s the head of the “Lo-Teks”, or “The Goth Gang.” He tells Johnny that he knows just the guy who can untangle all that “information” he’s got bottled up inside, a guy by the name of Jones.

That’s about all you need to know to enjoy the following presentation: The 50 Most Ridiculous Moments in Cinematic History. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS WHAT THE FUTURE LOOKS LIKE.

1.

JOHNNY M 13.JPGHere’s Johnny

2.

JOHNNY M 331.JPG And, of course, Dolph Lundgren as Jesus

After the cut, the emotional rollercoaster of 1995’s best worst movie continues.

3.

JOHNNY M 5.JPGHere’s the scene where they went to The Viper Room.  

4.

JOHNNY M 25.JPG Ice-T, with hair that is anything but “Lo-Tek”  

5.

JOHNNY M 38.JPG Some sad news: Apparently, in 2021, the “Internet” is going to look like a Dire Straits video. 

6.

JOHNNY M 24.JPG The future’s resident fierce tranny. 

7.

JOHNNY M 9.JPG Here’s Keanu trying to escape the Yakuza by dressing up like Yoko Ono. 

8.

JOHNNY M 32.JPG Remember Jones? The guy that could crack all the codes? HE’S A F**KING DOLPHIN. Or, to quote Keanu, “He’s a fish?” 

9.

JOHNNY M 21.JPG Overacting Goons. 

10.

JOHNNY M 26.JPG OMFG. This guy is the BEST. You might remember him as the mansion owner in Ace Ventura. Whatever happened to Udo Kier?  

11.

JOHNNY M 7.JPG The props, courtesy of your “Broken Atari Game Console” 

12.

JOHNNY M 27.JPG Again, these are not stills from Passion of the Christ. THIS IS DOLPH LUNDGREN. 

13.

JOHNNY M 40.JPG Oh Hai Henry Rollins! 

14.

JOHNNY M 30.JPG Moving along… 

15.

JOHNNY M 28.JPG SPOILER ALERT: In 2021, humans have this horrible disease, evidenced by this woman passing out. Of course, the cure is bottled up inside Johnny’s brain. 

16.

JOHNNY M 8.JPG A little light bondage with your breakfast, sir? 

17.

JOHNNY M 50.JPG This guy again… 

18.

JOHNNY M 29.JPG The very same face he makes when Coco breaks wind. 

19.

JOHNNY M 17.JPG Get it? He’s a genius. Ice-T is skeptical: 

20.

JOHNNY M 31.JPG 

21.

JOHNNY M 18.JPG OH! THE FUTURE ALSO HAS AMAZING LASER LASSOS. 

22.

JOHNNY M 10.JPG And other futurey things. 

23.

JOHNNY M 23.JPG Angelina Jolie, this could have been you. 

24.

JOHNNY M 471.JPG Never Forget. 

25.

JOHNNY M 39.JPG BEHOLD: THE FUTURE. 8-BIT GRAPHICS! 

26.

JOHNNY M 49.JPG Now would be a good time to point out that Jones, the code-breaking dolphin, was played by the same animatronic puppet the entire film. And he basically had only one expression: Super Psyched. Didn’t matter what was happening, this dolphin was grinning ear to ear. Above, an example. 

27.

JOHNNY M 11.JPG Seriously, you kill Udo, you kill the best actor in this movie. 

28.

JOHNNY M 37.JPG Tuckin Frenzy! 

29.

JOHNNY M 42.JPG Oh dear God no, the laser lassos!! 

30.

JOHNNY M 43.JPG They’ve cut Udo in half. Literal :”( 

31.

JOHNNY M 6.JPG Nothing unusual here…. 

32.

JOHNNY M 521.JPG My new wallpaper 

33.

JOHNNY M 351.jpg 

34.

JOHNNY M 531.JPG My new wallpaper, part 2. My laptop actually started sparking when this scene happened, that is how electric it is. 

35.

JOHNNY M 14.JPG Don’t you understand? HIS BRAIN IS FULL OF MEMORY PEOPLE! 

36.

JOHNNY M 15.JPG And it hurts 

37.

JOHNNY M 16.JPG Cigarette? 

38.

JOHNNY M 48.JPG Loving Life. 

39.

JOHNNY M 13.JPG Busting a capillary in his ass. 

40.

JOHNNY M 22.JPG A proud graduate of Token Asian University. 

41.

JOHNNY M 461.JPG Now, round 2 of our favorite gameshow “What’s Dolph Smashing?”!!! 

42.

JOHNNY M 45.JPG Answer: A cryogenically frozen hand. 

43.

JOHNNY M 41.JPG R.I.P. Udo Kier: Minute 00:16 – 00:58 

44.

JOHNNY M 12.JPG Someone’s feeling ~emotional~ 

45.

JOHNNY M 36.JPG At least 18 of you are really turned on right now. 

46.

JOHNNY M 511.JPG No no no, don’t speak. Don’t speak! 

47.

JOHNNY M 55.JPG Bad News: You will still be using AT&T calling cards in 13 years. 

48.

JOHNNY M 20.JPG The pre-reach. 

49.

JOHNNY M 54.JPG Too… many… screenshots…. 

50.

JOHNNY M 441.JPG Goodnight everyone.

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Author: twilk68

God has changed my life, and changed me. It's that simple. I will ever be grateful, and if I live to be...well, OLD, I will never tire of telling people about the work done in my life, and what can be done in theirs, should they trust God with their innermost everything...

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