Lunar Communion

With everything that’s going on in my life, I forgot until just now there’s an anniversary this weekend. On July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon. Before all you conspiracy nuts try to whack me upside the head, that isn’t why the anniversary is significant to me (I was, after all, just one year old).

I think it would be fair to say many people don’t know about something that happened that day, inside the very tight confines of the lunar lander. They don’t know because what Buzz Aldrin did was not broadcast as the rest of the landing was.

Aldrin paused before Armstrong got ready to head out and asked everyone to simply give thanks in their own way. Here is some actual audio:

Even more significant is what happened next. It moves me incredibly just to think of it. Aldrin pulls the elements for communion from a pocket on his spacesuit, and reads from the scripture before he takes it. All off the net, of course. It moves me because some of the first words spoken on the moon were the words of Jesus Christ, and the first meal taken was in memory of what he did for all of us. Not just Americans, or Christians. Not just white people or black people. Not just US Citizens.

All of us.

Whether or not you believe does not make it any less true. Nor does it make Aldrin’s act any less brave. It just kind of bums me out that even in 1969, political correctness was beginning to rear its ugly head.

Here’s another short clip, from the Earth to the Moon miniseries of a few years ago.

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Stop. Heyyyy, Macagangnam Style

I watched the above video through once, and I’m not sure I could do it again without spiraling down into a nightmare world where everyone wears weird pants that don’t fit and does a little dance that’s like the bastard love child of the Macarena

Hammertime

And the African Anteater Ritual

All of which makes sense, all things considered. Gangnam Style is without question the Macarena of this era, which was U Can’t Touch This of the one before. Undoubtedly, Psy’s ode to sexy ladies will usurp one or both of the other two aforementioned songs as the one all the champagne-sodden parents hit the floor for at their kids weddings.

God help us all.

Clearly I’m not the first one to get the connection, either, what with the mashup in the first video. MC Hammer may have been relegated to background dancer, but he still killed it.

Now I’m gonna go lay down in front of a tank.

Ridiculous Cinema

25
Friday

The 50 Most Ridiculous Moments in Cinematic History
By Michelle Collins
JOHNNY M 1123.jpg…All taken from the same movie. The movie known as Johnny Mnemonic.

On a hunch, I rented this 1995 film starring Keanu Reeves, the inimitable Ice-T, some random woman who was never in anything else, Henry Rollins, and, most importantly, star of He-Man Dolph Lundgren. But it wasn’t the stellar cast that drew me into renting this film. Rather, the thrilling plot. Johnny M is a guy with an internal memory of, wait for it, 80 whole gigabytes, who somehow uploads something insane, like 300 gigs of data, into his brain. And — you guessed it — the added memory could make his brain explode. Anywho, the Yakuza wants what’s in his head, and they hire a goon — Dolph Lundren — to find our beloved Johnny, kill him, and steal his brain. But if only Johnny had the password to download the memory himself! That’s where Ice-T comes in. He’s the head of the “Lo-Teks”, or “The Goth Gang.” He tells Johnny that he knows just the guy who can untangle all that “information” he’s got bottled up inside, a guy by the name of Jones.

That’s about all you need to know to enjoy the following presentation: The 50 Most Ridiculous Moments in Cinematic History. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS WHAT THE FUTURE LOOKS LIKE.

1.

JOHNNY M 13.JPGHere’s Johnny

2.

JOHNNY M 331.JPG And, of course, Dolph Lundgren as Jesus

After the cut, the emotional rollercoaster of 1995’s best worst movie continues.

3.

JOHNNY M 5.JPGHere’s the scene where they went to The Viper Room.  

4.

JOHNNY M 25.JPG Ice-T, with hair that is anything but “Lo-Tek”  

5.

JOHNNY M 38.JPG Some sad news: Apparently, in 2021, the “Internet” is going to look like a Dire Straits video. 

6.

JOHNNY M 24.JPG The future’s resident fierce tranny. 

7.

JOHNNY M 9.JPG Here’s Keanu trying to escape the Yakuza by dressing up like Yoko Ono. 

8.

JOHNNY M 32.JPG Remember Jones? The guy that could crack all the codes? HE’S A F**KING DOLPHIN. Or, to quote Keanu, “He’s a fish?” 

9.

JOHNNY M 21.JPG Overacting Goons. 

10.

JOHNNY M 26.JPG OMFG. This guy is the BEST. You might remember him as the mansion owner in Ace Ventura. Whatever happened to Udo Kier?  

11.

JOHNNY M 7.JPG The props, courtesy of your “Broken Atari Game Console” 

12.

JOHNNY M 27.JPG Again, these are not stills from Passion of the Christ. THIS IS DOLPH LUNDGREN. 

13.

JOHNNY M 40.JPG Oh Hai Henry Rollins! 

14.

JOHNNY M 30.JPG Moving along… 

15.

JOHNNY M 28.JPG SPOILER ALERT: In 2021, humans have this horrible disease, evidenced by this woman passing out. Of course, the cure is bottled up inside Johnny’s brain. 

16.

JOHNNY M 8.JPG A little light bondage with your breakfast, sir? 

17.

JOHNNY M 50.JPG This guy again… 

18.

JOHNNY M 29.JPG The very same face he makes when Coco breaks wind. 

19.

JOHNNY M 17.JPG Get it? He’s a genius. Ice-T is skeptical: 

20.

JOHNNY M 31.JPG 

21.

JOHNNY M 18.JPG OH! THE FUTURE ALSO HAS AMAZING LASER LASSOS. 

22.

JOHNNY M 10.JPG And other futurey things. 

23.

JOHNNY M 23.JPG Angelina Jolie, this could have been you. 

24.

JOHNNY M 471.JPG Never Forget. 

25.

JOHNNY M 39.JPG BEHOLD: THE FUTURE. 8-BIT GRAPHICS! 

26.

JOHNNY M 49.JPG Now would be a good time to point out that Jones, the code-breaking dolphin, was played by the same animatronic puppet the entire film. And he basically had only one expression: Super Psyched. Didn’t matter what was happening, this dolphin was grinning ear to ear. Above, an example. 

27.

JOHNNY M 11.JPG Seriously, you kill Udo, you kill the best actor in this movie. 

28.

JOHNNY M 37.JPG Tuckin Frenzy! 

29.

JOHNNY M 42.JPG Oh dear God no, the laser lassos!! 

30.

JOHNNY M 43.JPG They’ve cut Udo in half. Literal :”( 

31.

JOHNNY M 6.JPG Nothing unusual here…. 

32.

JOHNNY M 521.JPG My new wallpaper 

33.

JOHNNY M 351.jpg 

34.

JOHNNY M 531.JPG My new wallpaper, part 2. My laptop actually started sparking when this scene happened, that is how electric it is. 

35.

JOHNNY M 14.JPG Don’t you understand? HIS BRAIN IS FULL OF MEMORY PEOPLE! 

36.

JOHNNY M 15.JPG And it hurts 

37.

JOHNNY M 16.JPG Cigarette? 

38.

JOHNNY M 48.JPG Loving Life. 

39.

JOHNNY M 13.JPG Busting a capillary in his ass. 

40.

JOHNNY M 22.JPG A proud graduate of Token Asian University. 

41.

JOHNNY M 461.JPG Now, round 2 of our favorite gameshow “What’s Dolph Smashing?”!!! 

42.

JOHNNY M 45.JPG Answer: A cryogenically frozen hand. 

43.

JOHNNY M 41.JPG R.I.P. Udo Kier: Minute 00:16 – 00:58 

44.

JOHNNY M 12.JPG Someone’s feeling ~emotional~ 

45.

JOHNNY M 36.JPG At least 18 of you are really turned on right now. 

46.

JOHNNY M 511.JPG No no no, don’t speak. Don’t speak! 

47.

JOHNNY M 55.JPG Bad News: You will still be using AT&T calling cards in 13 years. 

48.

JOHNNY M 20.JPG The pre-reach. 

49.

JOHNNY M 54.JPG Too… many… screenshots…. 

50.

JOHNNY M 441.JPG Goodnight everyone.

Once

I love this movie.  It’s a musical, pretty much, but without dance numbers and the like.  It’s actually more about making music, and that’s fascinating to me.  It’s romantic, but it isn’t a traditional romance–it’s more about the friendship of the two leads, really.  RENT IT! Now!!

and the songs are pretty good, too.  That first one won an Oscar….