twilk68

70 times 7

A really good friend of mine is going through some difficulty right now with a few family members of the man she’s going to marry–one in particular. Her fiance has gone through his share of difficulty, and with God’s help, has emerged on the other side of it. He is a changed person, and that is not only due to Jesus, but also to his relationship with my friend. I believe that God, through their relationship, has grown both of them tremendously.

But this person(s) in my friend’s fiance’s family has chosen not to see that, but rather to condemn. This person was mean, and condescending, and holier-than-thou in a very Pharasiac (or Pharisitic–I don’t know) sort of way. I wonder, if Jesus were to materialize in the deep south, while this nice person was sipping a sweet tea on their porch, would they condemn him for eating with tax collectors and sinners?

Just look at what God has done in both of their lives. LOOK AT IT!! Look at Grace. Grace does not condemn. It saves, it blesses, it heals. And I believe that while scripture can be twisted to support any point of view, that is not why God gave it to us. It’s there to edify us, to teach us, and like Grace, to bless us. I’m sure if I tried hard enough, I could find a few verses to justify sticking grapes up my nose during worship on a Sunday morning. BUT THAT DOESN”T MEAN I SHOULD, or that it’s how God meant those verses to be interpreted.

Wait, did I just say interpreted? I did.

The reaction of this person reminds me of the fundamentalist movement of the 1980’s, which was almost exclusively condemnatory. And what it did was turn many, many people away from God, myself included. I think if you want people to find God, or turn to him in any sort of real way, you have to show them his love. That’s what saves us. Not anger, not hate, not condemnation for someone a person may not even really know, or a situation they aren’t even a part of.

Jesus did not come to condemn people, but to save them. Love them. Father them.

My first response to my friend’s situation was anger, lots and lots of anger. It felt justified. Feels justified, and maybe, probably is. That feeling of anger was probably reflected in my first couple of paragraphs.

But when I think about it, my condemning this unknown family member is much the same as what they did. I know this person is speaking out of their own brokenness. But that does not make it any easier for my friend. I spoke to her briefly and she said something that’s very true.

The hurt hurt, or words to that effect. Because this person was hurt themself in some way, their instinct (and pain) causes them to lash out. They may not even realize they’re doing it. But that doesn’t make it right.

Man, forgiveness is tough. It really is. It sounds like the person who lashed out and hurt my friend (I imagine her fiance as well), has a heart lacking forgiveness. This person needs to find it, and soon. That’s the key, of course.

I heard Miles McPherson say something in a sermon not long ago that just occurred to me. He said it in regard to dealing with people that he did not necessarily agree with, or have some sort of problem with, or even dislike. What he did in dealing with them was simply to remind himself that no matter how he saw the person, that person was someone Christ died for.

So when I think about this person, I need to remind myself of that very thing. Yeah, I’m angry on my friend’s behalf, and it upsets me that this person passes out judgement like a prize. In God’s name, no less. So what I’m going to try and do (no promises), is to forgive. And pray. Pray God shines his light into her heart, and heals it. Helps her to see the truth of things–His truth, not hers.

Forgiveness, man. That’s a bitch. I guess I needed to process a little. I’m going to go ahead and post this without editing out anything. It was what I thought, and think. I guess take it for what it is.

More to pray about, anyway.

Once

I love this movie. It’s a musical, pretty much, but without dance numbers and the like. It’s actually more about making music, and that’s fascinating to me. It’s romantic, but it isn’t a traditional romance–it’s more about the friendship of the two leads, really. RENT IT! Now!!

and the songs are pretty good, too. That first one won an Oscar….

Top 10

OK, I’ll get back to the serious stuff later. The following is, to the best of my recollection, my top 10 albums/CD’s from my high school years:

10. Screaming for Vengeance– Judas Priest

9. Reign in Blood– Slayer

8. Marching Out– Yngwie Malmsteen

7. Kill ’em All– Metallica

6. Ride the Lightning–Metallica

5. Number of the Beast– Iron Maiden

4. The River– Bruce Springsteen

3. Born in the USA– Bruce Springsteen

2. Piece of Mind–Iron Maiden

1. Pyromania–Def Leppard

I think. Although Maiden and Def Leppard were pretty close to even. And I also probably missed a few…it’s been a while. Bet most of you never even heard of some of those….

I just don’t know…

There’s been a ton of information (and opinions) flying around TV and the internet about the new ruling on gay marriage and its legality in California. It looks like the courts will no longer prevent gay marriages from taking place, and I would imagine gay couples are going to start lining up pretty soon. I read something yesterday that George Takei (Sulu from the original Star Trek) was going to be getting hitched to him partner of more than 20 years.

Anyway, my point is that I find myself unable to get myself worked up about this in either direction. Some people say that it either threatens or demeans the sanctity of marriage, which is supposed to be between a man and a woman (this is something that’s stated biblically, and I believe it myself, as I accept the Bible as God-breathed and vital). The part about that I don’t believe is that it threatens the sanctity of marriage. At least, I don’t think it threatens it any more than a lot of “straight” people do.

By that I mean the kind of ridiculous marriages you see a lot in the media between Hollywood types. You know what I mean. They marry on a whim, and then divorce or annul soon after. Think about it. It’s kind of disgusting. Most of the gay people I know have long term partners, and take even the possibility of marriage extremely seriously. And the other thing is that what does get my ire up is the supposed “Christians” that spew comments like “God hates fags.”

Idiots. God hates sin, not sinners.

That comes closest to how I feel, I think. I don’t feel threatened by the possibility (or actuality) of gays getting married. I can’t say that I support it, but I can’t find it in me to condemn it, either. It’s not my place to condemn anyone. That’s up to God.

What I can do, what I should do, I think, is just love the gay people I come into contact with to the best of my ability. I’d imagine a lot of the straight people (especially straight Christians) that gays and lesbians come into contact with react with, at best, trepidation, and at worst…God only knows. Maybe that’s why the gay man in my office has not been more open about it. Perhaps he thinks I’d give him the “turn or burn” speech (I wouldn’t).

What I plan to do is just treat him like I would everyone else. Which, by the way, is how I’d treat any gay person I came into contact with. What’s the point of spewing hate language at people? Yes, I believe they’re sinning, but so do I, every day. Just not in the same way. But after all, isn’t all sin…sin? Who am I to distinguish one sin from another?

anyway, much to think about, and much to pray about. While I’m thinking about that, suppose that all the energy expended by purportedly “Christian” people in hating, picketing, screaming at, and otherwise ridiculing gays and lesbians was instead spent on praying for them. I wonder what would happen then?

Church visit

I visited a church yesterday. I’d been there once before to hear a guest speaker (Sy Rogers), but hadn’t heard the regular pastor speak. I did listen to a couple sermons online to get a sense of the guy, but it’s hard to tell about someone from just an audio recording. Anyway, the short version is that it was a pretty good sermon. Pastor Jurgen discussed the breaking of vows, which was interesting, considering the Eldredge passage I wrote about the other day. The only thing about that place, though (Christian City Church), is that it’s a little more charismatic than I’m used to. He did an altar call at the end, and asked people to come up if they wanted prayer, or needed to break some vows they’d made. I saw some of the ushers kind of standing behind people, and after a moment, I realized why. Three or four of them hit the deck after he laid hands on them. Hadn’t seen that before.

Still, it was an interesting sermon. And the main thing I wanted to say about it was this. The pastor said something that really stuck in my mind.

“Unforgiveness is like taking poison and hoping the other person will die.” Or words to that effect.

How true is that? Lord knows I’ve spent enough time trying to forgive people. I need to think about that some more.

Like taking poison, and hoping the other person dies…..

hmmm

woke up thinking….

This morning I woke up thinking about someone who I haven’t thought about in a very long time. She’s not in my life anymore, but she played a very significant part in helping me find Jesus again. I don’t know where I’d be today if it weren’t for her. And I don’t think I ever said thank you…

I met Tikva about three years after I became a Christ follower. The honeymoon part of my relationship with Jesus was over, and the struggles had begun in earnest. I had stopped attending church for the most part, and my devotional life was non-existent. I didn’t talk to God, and he didn’t talk to me. Or at least I wasn’t listening when He did.

In summer 2002, I had this part time job as a projectionist for Regal Cinemas, and one day I had a casual conversation with one of the box office girls. The first thing I noticed about her is that she was really tall (5′ 10″), and she was also really pretty. Blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes. And one of the nicest people I’d ever met. But she was young (18 at the time), and a freshman college student. Over the course of the conversation, she happened to mention her faith–said she was a Christian.

Me, too, I replied, and didn’t think much more of it. A few weeks after that, I was at a Padres game when they still played at Qualcomm Stadium. After the game, some of the players that were believers on both teams gave brief testimonies. I hadn’t known this was going to happen, but my friend and I had stayed afterward because we were trying to sober up. I remember looking down over the railing, and seeing Tikva in the section below. I sunk back in my seat, not wanting her to see me all wasted. So listened to a few of the testimonies, and my friend squirmed in his seat.

I don’t remember feeling particularly convicted by any one of the testimonies, but seeing Tikva there and feeling embarassed made me feel more than a bit self-conscious about some of the things in my life, though I did not yet feel like I needed to change anything. I was fine, I thought.

A few days after that, I saw Tikva at work again, and mentioned that I’d seen her at the game. She remarked how she loved hearing the stories that had been shared, how it was nice to hear that people for whom it would be so easy to give in to the world, instead gave in to Jesus. And then she took a long look at me and said, “you should come to church with me sometime.”

“Why do you say that?” I asked.

“You look like you need it,” she replied. I tried not to be offended, but had to concede she was right. How does a person look when they need church, or need God, I wondered? I never did get around to asking. But we exchanged numbers, and a couple weeks after that I called her (in her dorm, no less), and we went.

She attended the Rock church, back when it met in Golden Hall at SDSU, and it amazed me how quickly God began to work in my life after that. The first thing that came back was curiousity about His word, and the deep need to have Jesus working in my life. It came in increments, and it took a little while, but it came, and it felt awesome. But it also became obvious the Rock was not for me, and after a short while, I began to attend a Sunday morning group at Shadow Mountain with another couple of friends, while also attending Sunday evenings at the church of my friend from college.

And Tikva and I began to spend a great deal of time together. We were briefly involved, but nothing much ever came of it. We did not become sexually involved at all, we just really liked each other’s company, and it was great to have someone to go to church with. But that ended, like things sometimes do, and I eventually committed to Calvary Baptist full time, getting baptized in January of 2003.

I kept working at the theater, and Tikva and I remained pretty good friends. I was cruising for a while, and felt good most of the time. I’d stopped filling the gaps in my life with crap, for the most part, and I was talking to the Lord pretty regularly. It was great.

And then I began to spend time with a young woman at the theater who was going through some difficulties in her marriage. Her name was Kristin, and she would be another person who had a profound effect on my life, but that’s a story for another time.

For now, I’m just grateful that God sent Tikva into my life when He did. I know Garth Brooks said it first, but I guess the Good Lord knows what he’s doin’ after all…

so thanks, Tikva. I hope you’re well!

Agreements and lies

I’m reading this John Eldredge book right now, and it’s really interesting. It’s more or less the story of his own devotional life over a year, through all kinds of circumstances. The passage I read yesterday was talking about his “story of love.” Not his love story, as in with his wife, but rather his experience with God’s love, and the agreements he’s made about it, because of experiences throughout his own life. Or put a different way, the lies he’d come to believe about God and his love.

He talks about how one of the agreements was “love never stays.” It’s easy to imagine how this would affect your life. If, because of a personal experience, you’d come to believe that God’s love would not and does not endure, like whatever had happened in your life. Like what happened in Eldredge’s. To me, that would make it very difficult to both love, and accept love from others. At least, that’s the way it worked for me. I’m still not very good at accepting love from people. Not family, and not friends most of the time. It makes me a little uncomfortable.

My few experiences with romantic love had left me either raw and hurting, or cold. When I gave my heart to someone, they would hurt me. Therefore God would do the same. And when I added to that my experience with my parents, it left me believing that not only had they suffered my existence without really caring much about it, but that God had done the same. I believed this garbage for most of my life, even after becoming a believer. I can see that now.

And because of that belief, because I knew in my heart that love was not something that endured, that it either faded like an old pair of jeans or disappeared completely (if it was ever there at all), I lived my life accordingly. I took comfort in the short term. In things, rather than God, family, or friends. In food, in alcohol, in empty relationships. I tried and failed to fill an immense void in my heart and my life.

I did this for such a very long time. I believed it was how my life would always be.

Thankfully, I was able to open up my heart enough to God that I had the experience of letting him fill it. It wasn’t easy, and it took a long time to get there. But it finally happened. And reading that passage from Eldredge the other day made me realize that this filling needs to take place daily. I need to make that, or rather allow that to happen. Because if I don’t allow my heart, my self, to be filled with the Love and comfort of God, something else will fill it. And there is nothing the enemy would like more than for me to come to more agreements about God.

That’s the other thing. I know I have more agreements about God. I know there are lies I believe that I have not uncovered yet. I think it takes an emotional trigger to uncover them. And once uncovered, I can hold them up to God’s truth. I suppose I need to pray for triggering then, don’t I? I need light shined on the hidden places in my heart. And the cool thing about God is that he will not remove something without replacing it with something else. When I relinquish my death grip on those old lies and agreements, Jesus replaces them with truth.

Another point Eldredge makes is that we can also come to positive agreements about God.

That He will always be there.

That he loves not just us, but me.

That His love endures.

Give thanks to Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever…

That snatch of song just occurred to me. How interesting the ways God chooses to reveal truth. Through song. Poetry. A word from a friend, even.

Anyway, it’s 6:30 a.m., and I just remembered that I forgot to feed Kiki and Little Man. I remembered that I forgot. is that even possible?

….sigh…..

I’m just saying…

25

I started reading Psalms again this morning. I had just been skipping around lately, not really sure where to begin, not having felt connected or moved by scripture in some time. I’m not exactly sure how that happened, but I just seemed to have lost it a couple weeks ago, and have been reading maybe 2 sentences from half the books in the New Testament before moving on to something else. Prayer time has not gone well, either. And to add to that, I’ve been struggling with a lot of old…”dark thoughts,” I believe they’re called.

So this morning, I just flipped through my Bible to psalms, and it opened at Psalm 23. I read that first, and then 24. Then I got to Psalm 25, and read no further. I read it, and read it again. For your convenience:

Psalm 25

Of David.

1^[a] To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;

2 in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.

3 No one whose hope is in you
       will ever be put to shame,
       but they will be put to shame
       who are treacherous without excuse.

4 Show me your ways, O LORD, (should have been
teach me your paths; praying this all along)

5 guide me in your truth and teach me, (ibid!)
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

6 Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

7 Remember not the sins of my youth              (how easily I forget God does this)
       and my rebellious ways;
       according to your love remember me,
       for you are good, O LORD.

8 Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

9 He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

11 For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great. (most important of all, to me)

12 Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.

13 He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.

14 The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.

15 My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.

17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.

18 Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.

19 See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!

20 Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.

21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.

22 Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!

So, for what it’s worth, I heartily recommend Psalms, when you’re struggling with freaking anything. Especially with prayer. If you don’t know what to pray, or how to pray, that’s Psalms, man. They’re meant to be prayed. Sung. Shouted, even….

hopefully, this morning is the beginning of something really good….I’m tired of struggling. Not that struggling is going to end anytime soon. I could use a bit of rest, though. But even if I don’t get it, God is still good to me. I guess the better thing to pray for would be to get through whatever I’m struggling with. Not have it taken away. Then I wouldn’t learn anything….

Girl Friends

Except for when I was younger, I’ve always had a lot of female friends. Never dated much, and never dated any of those friends. There were times over the course of my adult life that I wanted to, but I never did, and those girls (women) that I was interested in eventually ended up in the friends “bucket,” as Lorana calls it. Which, while disappointing from a dating point of view, is not bad at all from a friends one. And as some of you know, one of those situations not working out is what’s chiefly responsible for changing my life, and getting me here today.

I never really thought to ask myself why I seemed to associate mostly with women, but rather just accepted it as the way my life was going to be. Before your minds start whirring away, no, it isn’t because I’m a secret member of the Rainbow Coalition. Never swung that way, in spite of a lot of jokes, and my admitted fondness for musical theater. I think now what it mostly came down to was fear. Spending time with women was safe, or safer, anyway. I would get the benefits of hanging out with the opposite sex (such as interesting conversations–which was hard to get from guys–and I like to talk. And also the things I liked to do weren’t always the type of things men enjoyed.), without much of the drama that would inevitably occur when dating someone.

And really, the dating experiences I’d had were not good, to say the least. I had one sort of long term relationship that was born out of loneliness on both our parts, and of course ended when it became obvious we weren’t actually dating at all, but just enjoying each other’s “company.” She was divorced, and several years older than me. The end came one evening when her 5 year old son asked “are you going to marry my Mommy?”

No, I was not.

My other two situations were both sojourns into what I thought was love, but both ended with me getting hurt. The first was because I was afraid to say what I felt, and it cost me the only healthy relationship I ever had to that point. The second was completely my own fault. I persevered in that situation despite really good advice from a really good friend, and it not only cost me the relationship, but also my best guy friend at the time.

Which reinforced my tendency to not have a lot of guy friends. And the thing about that is that God has been working on that aspect of my life ever since. I’ve gotten beau coup healing in that particular area, and had a lot of the lies I’d gone a lifetime believing brought into the light of God’s truth.

Most of these had been so ingrained into my psyche, and my heart, that they seemed completely like truth. Because I’d been hurt by my brother growing up, I knew that I could not trust men, and I knew they would hurt me if I did (lie #1). Along these same lines, because I’d always been told no one wanted me (parents, family, friends….), and no one ever would, I believed this, too (lie #2). And it made sense to not try, because I’d be hurt eventually anyway….

After Ben died, this made the most sense of all. And there was a period of my life where I had no friends, male OR female, because I simply could not bear to be hurt anymore by anyone, regardless of who they were. So I withdrew as far as I possibly could, without climbing into the Bell Jar.

Of course, eventually I was able to climb mostly out of this particular abyss, and I began to have friends again, and eventually very good friends. And then came my second crash. When that second relationship I mentioned a little while ago ended, along with a decade-long friendship, I knew that my first instinct about guys was correct, and I shouldn’t be close to them. I’d been hurt again by a person that felt more like a brother to me than my own brother ever had.

Not that long after that, I tried again, and began to forge a friendship with a guy one of my female friends was dating. It seemed like a good idea at the time. He went to my church, seemed to be strong in the Lord, and the type of friend it would be good for me to have. Then his relationship ended with my friend, and with me as well. He never really understood my friendship with her, and our own friendship was not able to overcome it. And because of my own issues and brokenness, I told myself that he had only pursued a friendship with me because of my friend. He had not been interested in my friendship at all. This was a lie, of course, but it felt like truth….

I haven’t really even tried to date anyone since then. Only had a couple of opportunities, but I was grateful when they didn’t pan out because it meant I would not have to put anything out there, and if I didn’t do that, then I couldn’t be hurt again. It made sense to me.

I have not put myself out there at all. I haven’t.

What am I trying to say with this post? A couple things. One is that I think God has been working on my heart for a really long time now, preparing it for something. In the way of friendship, the ones I have with my closest female friends have changed and matured, I think. Perhaps we are not quite as close as in the past, but in a healthy way. The way those relationships should be, I think. I feel good about all three of them. I think the Lord brought these women into my life for a reason, and I’m going to go out on a limb and say they are all extraordinary friends, and add a great deal to my life. Their candor, lack of pretension, and sometimes very tough love has been what’s helped me continue to grow, I think. Both as a follower of Christ and as a man.

As far as guy friends go, I think God knew what he was doing all along, and I can see that now. I needed to heal a lot my personal wounding before I could pursue healthy and fulfilling friendships with men. One of the best things that happened to me over the past year, I think, was reconciling (after a fashion) with the guy friend that had been involved in love foray #2. We both said what we needed to say, and it was good. I doubt we can recover what we lost, but there was forgiveness and healing done, and that’s all I can ask. It’s probably better that we don’t go back to where we were, because when I look at it now, that was a dangerous friendship for me in a lot of ways.

But God opened another door for me when he brought Merrill into my life. He’s been a blessing. A man I can trust, an elder in my church, and someone I know will not bullshit me about myself. Our friendship probably leans more toward the mentor/”mentee” side, but that’s what I think I need in a lot of ways–never had it before.

The Lord has also brought me a little distance and perspective in a few other female friendships I’d had over the past couple years, and that’s been healthy as well. In short, I found out who my real friends were. Things are getting better, though. Just recently I met Lorana’s Chris, and he is a really awesome guy. I think if they lived in the SD, or I lived in ATL, we’d probably become pretty good friends. I hope we still will.

I have to say that I’ve also come to like Krysco’s b-law a great deal, and I look forward to getting to know him a little better as well. What’s my point with all that? Well, it’s that God is stitching up the rents in my heart. I’m doing my best to be the man he wants me to be, and to develop healthy relationships with my brothers in Christ. It’ll take a while, but I’m willing to put in the time.

To that end, I’m probably going to be doing a men’s group with another older gentleman (older than me) in the single’s ministry–it should be good.

The other thing is that I feel God has been preparing my heart all this time for the person he intends for me to meet. I don’t know who she is yet, but I’m gonna do the best I can to stop hiding from her. Can’t meet someone if your head is buried in the freaking sand. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to do it yet, but I’m going to try and listen when God gives me direction. And we’ll see.

The last thing for now (since I’ve been meandering like a bastard) is that I can feel myself being strengthened in the spirit daily. I think the parts of my life that I used to feel were lacking were because I was not yet ready to experience what Jesus had for me in those areas. Not that I’m totally arrived there yet, but I believe I’m on the way.

I better go–I have about thirty subpoenas next to my keyboard giving me the stinkeye..

a brief postscript. Been working on restoring my friendship with the guy my friend used to be involved with, too. I forgot to mention that. He’s part of the Healing Prayer ministry that has gone a long way toward changing my life. It will take a while, but Jesus will be there, and I think we’ll end up where He wants us in the end….