I’ve learned over the relatively short time I’ve been a believer to be careful what I ask him, because sometimes the answer, while true and right, is not at all what I want to hear. Or even if it is, it isn’t what I expect most of the time—and sometimes, there’s no audible answer at all.
So I ask again.
That is, if it’s something that’s really important to me. Yet some things I just never took to God—never laid them before Him, never asked for direction, or guidance, or patience, or wisdom. Things I tried to handle on my own (or not handle, I suppose, as the case may be). Parts of me I ignored, or denied the need for fulfillment.
Though I am notoriously slow on the uptake in many areas (ask my friends), it eventually became obvious even to me that I could no longer ignore a certain part of me—of my heart—that had been gathering dust for many years. And that is the need, the God-given desire, to meet a woman that could fulfill the part of my heart not taken up by Jesus—the part of my heart that needed a person on Earth to share it with.
So I did what I should have done long, LONG before. I finally began to address this need in prayer. It used to be when I met someone (a woman) I was interested in, I wouldn’t do anything about it. I would just tiptoe around them carefully, hoping they would either make the first move, or do something to let me know it was OK for me to do it.
I would seldom approach them, and if I did, it was usually in what was probably (to them) a vague and confusing way. There were many reasons for this, but the truth was that I was simply afraid. My last experience with a woman had ended not just with the usual wounding, but with the added fun of a betrayal by a close friend, and the ending of said friendship (at least for a time). My heart was not merely wounded, but felt as if it had been broken on a very large wheel. Torn to pieces, even.
The end of that relationship, such as it was, sent me into a tailspin that brought me as close as I’ve ever been to the proverbial “edge.” I probably should not have expected anything different from it, though. It only occurred to me after it was over that I’d been simply a means to an end for her. She led me down a very dark path, and I gladly walked it at her side. My love for her was not healthy, and her love for me was empty and self-serving.
I think since “it” happened (the end of things with K), I’ve really only asked one person out (in 2006), and was DENIED! I was sort of relieved, to tell you the truth. While it meant that I would not be going out (at least with that person), it also meant one less opportunity to be hurt.
So after that, I just withdrew into the part of myself that needed someone in that way, and did my best to not think about it. Which sort of worked.
Except when it didn’t.
What I was doing was denying a part of me that God had also created. I think we’re made to love–not just Jesus, but other people. And not just people, but, you know….”the person.”
And eventually, I had what an alcoholic might call a moment of clarity, and I asked God to help me fulfill that part of my life–the part that had been so sorely lacking. But I left it up to him, and pleaded for his guidance. There was a woman I’d been emailing with a bit, and she was a nice person, but I didn’t get that little flip in my heart when we spoke. Or emailed. She was just someone nice to talk to, and she seemed to like me well enough.
“Lord, I want this in my life,” I told Him. “I want it. I want for me what YOU want for me. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make it happen.”
Even with God, this was a hard conversation.
“I need you to help me with this. I want to find the person, the woman you’ve prepared for me. I don’t think it’s Lisa*, but if it is, God, I really need you to let me know. Make it very clear for me, Lord. And for her. If not Lisa*, then whoever she is. Help us to recognize each other when we meet. Help us to connect, whatever the circumstance is. Help me, God, to create the circumstance, if that’s your will.”
I asked him for a lot that night. I asked Him to lead me to someone who loved Him the same way I did, who wanted the same things from life as me. I asked him to protect this woman until I found her. I asked him to speak to her, to prepare her heart for mine. The last thing I asked Him was that if it wasn’t His will for my life to meet someone, that He prepare my heart for that as well, and help me to find comfort and peace in Him.
And then I left it up to God.
I was about to take a vacation to Mexico with some friends, the first real vacation of my life, and I wanted to go with a peaceful heart.
Turned out to be an awesome vacation, though about as hot and humid as I’ve ever been. It was beautiful, though, and very relaxing.
That was about all I did on the last couple days of the trip. I had plenty of time to think, though. Time to journal, and time to pray. I had no great spiritual breakthroughs in Akumal, but it was a wonderful time just the same.
When I got back, I checked my email, and found that a young woman in Yuma had contacted me in regard to my old myspace page, which in truth, I hadn’t checked out in a very long time. I’ll call her J. I’d stopped posting on my blog, and no longer kept track of it, or any new “friend” requests. My two closest friends had gone that direction as well, and had even deleted their profile information. I hadn’t gotten that far yet–I was much too lazy.
So I glanced at the email this woman wrote, and it intrigued me. It was brief, but she mentioned that she thought we had many things in common, and when I looked at her information, I could see that she was right.
She was very honest, and the openness of what she wrote made me want to respond, so I wrote her back.
We began to email, and after a while, began to talk on the phone. I’m not sure how it was for her, but for me I was instantly interested, and felt a very strong “conversational” chemistry right away. After only a few days, I began to feel like we simply had to meet. I didn’t express this to her, not right away, but I felt it almost from the very beginning.
Then a circumstance arose where she was able to come to San Diego for a day trip. We decided to meet at a restaurant in Grossmont Center, and then take her son to the Zoo. I hadn’t been since I was a kid, and it seemed like it would be both fun to do, and afford us the opportunity to talk in a casual setting.
I was standing outside of my car when she pulled up and we hugged briefly, and on my part, a little nervously. She was cute in the pictures on her page, but she was beautiful in person. She was nice, and funny, and we had a great time walking around, and talking about small things.
After the Zoo, we had an early dinner at the restaurant where we met earlier. That’s when we got into the deeper stuff, and it occurred to me that we were compatible on even more levels than I originally thought. I felt that little flip in my guts that I hadn’t felt in years, and looking across the table into her eyes, I knew I was in trouble if she hadn’t felt the same thing.
I think we were in there for maybe an hour, but by the time we left, I had a particularly strong sense that there was a ton of possibility there, and I wanted to pursue it. I tried to be as cool as I could on the outside, but on the inside I was
I hadn’t gotten a sense of rightness from anyone to that extent before in my life. She loaded her son into her car and after she was done, we stood looking at each other briefly, and then hugged again. And in a crowded parking lot on a mild and sunny September evening, we kissed for the first time. It was just a small kiss, but to me, it felt electric.
And very exciting.
We’ve spoken every day since then, and the more I talk to J, the more sure I am that she is the person God has prepared for me, and I am the person God prepared for her. It’s not just about the things we have in common, though those things are many. What it’s about for me is that thump I get in my heart whenever I see her.
And when I pray for her it feels right.
And when I hold her it feels right.
And when we worship together it feels right.
And when we talk about the future it feels right.
When I ask God for wisdom about our relationship, He gives it to me.
And I am listening.
I don’t know exactly what the future holds, but for the first time in longer than I can remember, I know what I want.
Who I want.
The semantics remain to be worked out, of course, and I am not approaching anything wantonly, capriciously, or without consideration and prayer.
But I am approaching my future with hope.
Hope that I have because something has been awakened in me that was long dormant. And in the energy created by that awakening, I’ve found myself praising more
and wanting more for my life. Wanting what I can only find through devotion to the one who created that thing in me
that has now been awakened, that is now growing exponentially. Growing toward Him more and more daily, but also growing toward J.
This has been a blessing that I do not have words to describe, and I have words for everything.
Blessing upon blessing upon blessing has been coming my way of late.
But it did not begin until I fully surrendered that which was lacking in my life to Jesus. Nothing changed until I asked for the wheel to be taken from my hands.
Nothing happened until I prayed.