struggling a little

Something happened a few weeks ago, and I’m not sure exactly what it was.  All I can say is ever since then, I’ve felt like my old self again, and that isn’t a good thing.  I think it started at the last regular evening of Healing Prayer.  I didn’t receive prayer–I led a prayer session.  So it was actually after the prayer session, on the way home.  We talk about being triggered all the time, but it didn’t really feel like that.  It hadn’t been a particularly emotional session, but the person receiving the prayer that night got a few good truths from the Lord, and more importantly, some direction.  It was nice to be there for that.  But I got to thinking on the way home, something like I’d done a bad job, and should not have been leading at all.  That the Lord could not use me in such a context.  That my prayers were feeble, and did not matter.  Many more like that.  I didn’t recognize it as an attack at the time, though I’m able to see that now, with the 20/20 vision hindsight provides.

On second thought, I guess I was triggered. It had nothing to do with the guy in the session.  I recognized it as my own stuff coming up to bite me in the ass once again.  Yet I was not able to get rid of it this time, and even though I recognized the previously mentioned statements as lies, they felt true that night.  They still feel true.

The next week Healing Prayer had our end-of-season party, and I thought about trying to talk to one of the guys there, but wasn’t quite able to do it.  The context didn’t seem right to get serious, and I had a small sort of…run-in with the person in question.  Not really even a run-in, but I tried to talk to him once or twice and found him extremely cool, and nearly aloof.  Not approachable at all.  This is something we’d had difficulty with in the past, but I thought those times were in the past.  And that probably small event, became something larger, because it seemed to reinforce everything I’d been thinking about myself just a few days before.

So instead of talking to someone else, or trying to pray about it, I just went home feeling pretty much the same as I had been going in, and rather than trying to combat the lies I’d been hearing in my heart, I let them be, figuring I’d just get over it.  Of course, rather than helping, this only reinforced them.

So where I’ve been this week is feeling completely apathetic about nearly everything.  Haven’t been praying much.  Don’t care.  Haven’t been reading much.  Ditto.  Eating badly again–so what?  I have a vacation coming up, and I should be excited about it–I’m not.  I hate that I feel this way about everything, because it feels like weakness, and I hate feeling weak.  It reminds me of being a kid.  I’m not a kid.

Anyway, I hate writing this kind of thing.  But maybe part of strength is knowing the areas where you are a little weaker, and being able to ask for help.  I feel like I need a little help with this one.  And even now, I’m getting a very strong inclination not to post this, not to ask anyone to pray.  So that’s why I’m going to.  The previous lengthy paragraphs are so you can have an idea about how my mind’s working, and where I am right now.

So for those of you who read my slop, toss up a quick prayer.  I’m trying to do that myself.  I guess it’s a good thing I’ll be getting back to “talking to someone” later on this month. Good times!

There’s nothing worse than feeling completely powerless.  Not that I felt powerFUL before.  But still…