Not Gilded

I’ve been sitting here thinking about a few things tonight, some of which I think are true, some of which I suspect might be true, and others that are dubious at best.

What just occurred to me is that I could fill a couple phone books with what I don’t know.

The plain truth is that as fantastic as I think I am at times, at my very best I am naught but a run of the mill and fallible man.

At worst, I am a self-aggrandizing schlub who harms people sometimes, whether he means to or not. Pain one causes to others, even if it isn’t physical, cannot be excused Sufficiently to make it ok.

On the heels of that, here is what I do know without any question at all.

God loves me anyway.

I could approach him smothered in sin and garbage like Magic Shell ice cream topping and he would just reach out to me and say, “Come.” Matthew 11:28-30 told me again what I needed to know.

That’s the thing, you know. We think we have to approach him in our finest.

I feel like that myself. Like everyone else, I’m well aware of my own flaws, my own shortcomings. It sickens me to think of it. It sickens me because as I sit here tonight I am also fully aware of the measure of grace apportioned me.

And that gift came to me as I am right now, not as I wanna be.

I want to be a better man. A better husband, better friend, and Lord knows I wanna be a better father.

All good motives.

But even if I’m not, I’m beloved by God. Tonight I needed to know that, and needed to feel it even more.

Yes, Good Lord, yes, I want to be better.

But even if I don’t suddenly find myself gilded in 24k sunshine, Jesus has more regard for me than I’ll ever have for myself.

Why, God? I wonder.

What’s special about me?

I love you, he says, and his voice seems to come from nowhere and everywhere at the same time.

You don’t have to be perfect, or ready.