Indescribable

“You see had the depths of my heart and You love me the same”

From “Indescribable,” by Chris Tomlin

I’ve heard that song lots of times, and always thought it was a really good worship song, but I never really gave much thought to it beyond that. Then I heard it this weekend at church, and that one line cut right through to the centre of me.

I just can’t think of (and certainly could not write) a sentence that describes Grace better than that does.

There were times in my life where I feared the depths of my heart so badly that I could not bear to think of them. I could not stand to think of them because at the core of me, in the place where I everything I believe about myself resides, I had this image of my heart as a withered thing—and so bad that love was not something I was worthy of experiencing. Had I not finally surrendered my heart to Jesus, I believe that it would have atrophied into a clenched fist of stone, and my life would have been every bit as wretched as I expected it to be.

But Jesus sees the depths of my heart and he loves me the same.

I see the limits I put on His ability to love me and it shocks me, it really does. I really believed that I could not be loved by God because I saw myself as dark, withered, and dying on the inside. I always knew that God was real, and that he blessed people, and maybe even loved some of them. Just not me.

It seemed to me that the people that God seemed to favour were always of the same ilk. They were clean people. They loved and loved and loved. They followed the “rules.” They had not done, nor would they do, anything the Bible said or suggested they shouldn’t. They didn’t swear, or drink, or have sex with their boyfriends or girlfriends. They didn’t lie to get what they want. They didn’t lay awake at night thinking about visiting justice upon a person they deemed “bad.” They forgave everything.

I was not cut from the same cloth as people like that. It was true my life had been difficult, but lots of people had difficult lives and didn’t end up like me. My heart was full of acid, not love. I hated, and lied, and sinned.

And the truth I’ve finally gotten to the bottom of over the past few years are expressed perfectly by Chris Tomlin. I had no idea who Jesus was until I knew, really knew, that He saw the depths of my heart and he loved me the same.

He didn’t see a perfect heart. He saw one scarred by sin, and life, and unbelief.

And he loved me the same as if it was beautiful and perfect. I’d always thought of myself and my heart as bad. Once Jesus came to me in the midst of my darkness, I had to face the realization that my heart was good, and that God had made it that way.

It was as if Jesus had spat in dirt at my feet, made clay, and gently applied it to my eyes.

He saw the depths of my heart and he loved me the same. And the problem is that it was never the truth that made my heart wither.

It was the lies.

God showed me truth after truth, once I let him. He still shows me—because some of those lies are time-hardened and strong.

Jesus is stronger.

Maybe you think your heart is withered and dying. Maybe you think your heart is bad.

God does not make bad hearts, and He waters those that are withered. He gives drink to all who are thirsty. He gives truth to those who seek it.

He sees the depths of your heart and he loves you the same.