“….There’s a war inside of me
between who I want to be
and who I am…” –Todd Agnew
That’s just the chorus from the song, because it was the part that resonates with me the most. I was thinking about it last night after I got done talking to Jenny. Sometimes she really just gets me thinking about things (which is good. I have been known to think from time to time). And she humbles me with her faithfulness.
What I was thinking about last night is that I have this really detailed picture of who I want to be in my head. In the picture, I am so very strong in my faith, and discipleship, and my prayer life is regular, and powerful. I am a great steward of my finances, and I tithe diligently and faithfully. I get through my list of prayers daily. I am a good worker, and will be a good husband, and father.
But that is not always who I am.
The reality is that I am not a tidy package of faith like the person above. I want to be all those things.
I want to be.
But that is not always who I am.
I am messy, not tidy. Sometimes my discipleship is weak. Sometimes–maybe even most times–I am not a good steward of my money, and I do not tithe as I should. Sometimes I do not pray all the prayers I should, or at all, really.
Sometimes I feel like my faith is not strong enough.
Sometimes I feel like I am not in a state of Grace at all, and I don’t know what to do about it when those feelings come.
And that is the battle.
How do I become the person I want to be?
Good question. As far as my discipleship goes, I need to throw myself into the Word, and into God. I need to chase after Him with all my might
“like a deer pants for water…”
I need to truly seek Him, and that’s when I will find Him. I need to just BE a better steward, and stop talking about it. I need to give first, and trust God to take care of everything else. I can’t afford to? I can’t afford NOT to….
I need to set aside more time for prayer. I need to pray before I do anything else–before I get out of bed, and before I sleep. If that means I get up at 430 instead of 5, then that is what I will have to do. I need to trust all of my heart to the Lord, and trust that He will take care of both me and my family. I need to fight for Him, and fight for them, and the way I do that is to pray.
That has to come first. It’s the best way to fight.
And the truth is, Jesus did not call tidy packages of faith to Him. He called messy people, who were sometimes timid in their faith. He called fisherman, and tax collectors, and whores.
He called regular people whereever he went, not Pharisees, to walk at his side.
And He’s calling me. Whether or not I fall into step with Him is entirely up to me.
I am not a tidy package of faithfulness, and I never will be. I will not always make the best decisions. I will not always be the best person I can be. And there will always be struggles.
But still God calls, even with all that.
He calls to me in my messiness, in my inconsistent discipleship, and weak devotional life.
One thought on “Called, part I”
Clearly you know my heart, and I couldn’t have said it any better than what you wrote today. I, too, struggle with those things. I one time heard my pastor say that one of the questions he’s asked the most by people is, “How can they stop doing bad, and start doing good?” He simply responds, “You just gotta do it! When it comes right down to it, everything is a matter of choice. Do we choose to say the right thing, or not? Do we choose to act the right way, or not? Do we choose to submit to His will, or not?
I certainly think it’s easy to say than do, because when faced by temptation, it’s often very easy to give in. You hit the nail on the head. The best way to fight is to be in pray and to be in His Word. When we choose to live our lives constantly connected to Him by praying, reading His word, fellowshiping with others, and praising our Father, how can we go wrong?